The Arrow of Time
Three nights in a row I’ve slept straight through without getting up to pee. The reason I burden you with this detail is that this is impossible in a 45-year-old man. The inexcapable conclusion: I am no longer a 45-year-old man. I have achieved reverse aging. I’m not sure how, but there’s got to be money in this.
UPDATE: Might have been only two nights. You know, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Comment by Barry —
November 15, 2005 @ 9:11 am
Jim, if you’ve also lost several pounds in the last few days, have a very dry mouth, and look more wrinkled, then the answer is simple: you haven’t drunk anything in the past few days. This will reduce getting up in the night to piss, but will have complications[1] like death.
Barry
[1] Depending on one’s viewpoint, this could also be viewed as a simplification, but most people don’t like to think of it that way.
Comment by Barry —
November 15, 2005 @ 9:13 am
Seriously, though, it’s probably just dehydration. About two years ago, when I was 43, I danced for three hours on a warm summer evening, until I was drenched with sweat (in case you’re wondering the women were at least as drenched as me). I went home, drank two 20-ounce bottles of diet soda, went to sleep for the full night wihouth having to urinate. So it’s possible.
Comment by Barry —
November 15, 2005 @ 9:14 am
Going for the triple play – have you thought about the Dilbert explantion? That would be that you’re morphing into a pointy-haired boss. One of the important characteristics of that species is a bladder much larger than the brain, so that you can outwait everybody at meetings.
Comment by Gene Callahan —
November 15, 2005 @ 9:16 am
Ha! I’m 46, and I haven’t gotten up to pee for 5 nights in a row now!
Of course, my bed is getting very soggy.
Comment by Mr. Obscura —
November 15, 2005 @ 9:45 am
I’m also 46, but decline to share my nightime habits. I do, however, have a strong urge to urinate right now.
Comment by Michigan J. Frog —
November 15, 2005 @ 11:36 am
The answer is even simpler: you’ve become a 45 year old woman! Congratulations on your bold embrace of lifestyle change, Jim, er, Jane!
Comment by Madeline —
November 15, 2005 @ 2:27 pm
I was bitching to my parents once about Why does everyone in modern houses need their own bathroom? Must we all live in isolation and never share or negotiate? Is it so hard to walk 5 feet down the hall?
They joined forces to point out that it’s nice to get up in the middle of the night and use the bathroom without having to put anything on. Which I hadn’t considered.
I think Mr. Frog has the best solution, though.
Comment by Camera Obscura —
November 15, 2005 @ 2:44 pm
Forget it, Froggy. If he were a 45-year-old woman, he’d have been up every night since he first got pregnant. After 15-20 years, he wouldn’t even bother to keep track of whether or not he’d been up at night.
A really good night is when I don’t get up to go to the bathroom at all. A good night is that when I get up to go, it’s not half-an-hour or less until the alarm is scheduled to go off…
Comment by Jim Henley —
November 15, 2005 @ 2:59 pm
God I love you people.
Comment by Barry —
November 15, 2005 @ 3:35 pm
And Jim, you’ve now got the solid demographics data that advertisers insist upon.
Comment by Jim Henley —
November 15, 2005 @ 3:50 pm
Yeah, but they’re going to say the site ”skews old.” Drag.
Comment by Michigan J. Frog —
November 15, 2005 @ 5:59 pm
Makes me feel youngish, if that’s any consolation (it’s the big 35 for me tomorrow. Gah.)
Comment by matthew hogan —
November 15, 2005 @ 7:44 pm
I’m plunging onward into the 40s. Is this what I have to look forward to? Getting up in the middle of the night to pee all the time.
Wow. Aging is cooler than I thought!
Comment by Camera Obscura —
November 15, 2005 @ 10:17 pm
Matt — at least you’re not a 40-something female. There’s another nasty plumbing trend we deal with; we had a nice long discussion about it at the Phantom Scribbler’s site a couple of weeks ago during the Wednesday whine.
Warning — not safe for the weak of stomach. You will hear about ailments of every sort for pregnant ladies, moms, kids, and pets. The Wednesday whine is the mom-blog version of a peeing contest.