Bill Kristol Facts
By Thoreau
As a tribute to Bill Kristol’s profound wrongness, I feel the need to start a list of Bill Kristol facts, similar to the Chuck Norris facts. (But the Jack Bauer facts can kick the ass of the Chuck Norris facts.)
Bill Kristol packed skis for a December vacation in New Zealand.
Bill Kristol’s SAT score was so low that he would have been better off guessing.
Bill Kristol tried voting in Florida once, and the chads punched him.
Bill Kristol bragged that he’d lost his virginity after his girlfriend let him touch her belly button.
A cop once pulled Bill Kristol over and told him to let Ray Charles drive instead.
When it snows, Bill Kristol shovels the snow off the grass and puts it in the driveway.
Bill Kristol actually voted for George W. Bush. Twice.
Bill Kristol thinks that Chuck Norris could kick Jack Bauer’s ass.
Bill Kristol tried to score a touchdown on a tennis court in high school PE class.
OK, that’s all I”ve got. Come on, guys, step up to the plate and help a blogger out.
Comment by Jennifer —
December 29, 2007 @ 4:17 pm
Bill Kristol once hired Miss Teen South Carolina to be his geography tutor.
Comment by Clambone —
December 29, 2007 @ 4:30 pm
Bill Kristol lost his sanity and turned to a life of supervilliany when an industrial accident permanently lodged a coat hanger in his mouth.
Comment by Thoreau —
December 29, 2007 @ 4:30 pm
Bill Kristol thinks that “Every Breath You Take” is a romantic song.
Bill Kristol is still waiting for his Enron stocks to rebound.
The Flat Earth Society kicked Bill Kristol out for being too blatantly wrong.
Bill Kristol’s friends still can’t persuade him that Bruce Willis’s character in “The Sixth Sense” was really dead.
Comment by Blar —
December 29, 2007 @ 4:58 pm
Bill Kristol sleeps with the light on. Not because Bill Kristol is afraid of the dark, but because he doesn’t know how to turn the light off.
Comment by Mona —
December 29, 2007 @ 5:17 pm
Bill Kristol thinks the profoundly moving film, Hellcats of the Navy, is actually based on Ronald Regan’s having been Captain of a U.S. ship, where he met Lt. Nurse, Nancy Davis — even as some libtards to this day (!) deny that Regan enlisted or fought in WWII or any other war.
Comment by Thoreau —
December 29, 2007 @ 5:23 pm
In college, Bill Kristol cheated off a football player’s midterm.
There’s a sucker born every minute, but Bill Kristol is one of a kind.
Comment by Thoreau —
December 29, 2007 @ 5:24 pm
Even Jack Bauer’s bosses on 24 can’t believe how wrong Bill Kristol is.
Bill Kristol was once shot in the head. To this day, nobody has noticed any difference.
Comment by Timothy —
December 29, 2007 @ 5:27 pm
Bill Kristol thought 1984 was a how-to manual.
Comment by Rob —
December 29, 2007 @ 6:04 pm
Bill Kristol once got lost on an elevator.
Bil Kristol was confused when presented with three shovels and asked to take his pick.
Bill Kristol went to the dry cleaners when asked to appear on Meet The Press.
Comment by Argonaut —
December 29, 2007 @ 7:08 pm
Bill Kristol’s evil twin was Albert Einstein.
In the country of the blind, Bill Kristol works at Blockbuster.
Comment by Pedroia Paranoia —
December 29, 2007 @ 8:56 pm
Bill Kristol told Dan Quayle to add the ‘e’ to “potato”.
(Actually, could this have happened, for real? BK was an advisor to the VP in the Bush-41 admin., no?)
Comment by Thoreau —
December 29, 2007 @ 9:00 pm
According to Wikipedia, he was indeed Dan Quayle’s chief of staff.
And some of you thought that the Bill Kristol facts are just jokes!
Comment by Gsnorgathon —
December 29, 2007 @ 9:25 pm
Bill Kristol was a snowman, and couldn’t pick his nose from a bag of carrots.
Comment by Mark —
December 29, 2007 @ 10:53 pm
Every time Bill Kristol is wrong, a new terrorist is born.
There are no races, only countries of people Bill Kristol has asked to be beaten different shades of black and blue.
Bill Kristol can divide by zero….well, at least that’s what he says.
When Bill Kristol talks, everybody listens. And dies laughing.
Comment by Thoreau —
December 29, 2007 @ 11:42 pm
Bill Kristol is proof that at least one life form was not intelligently designed.
Bill Kristol is proof that evolution is sometimes replaced by devolution.
Comment by Vern Morrison —
December 30, 2007 @ 1:30 am
Bill Kristol thinks that Condoleezza Rice is an Italian side dish.
Comment by First Little Pig —
December 30, 2007 @ 1:02 pm
Bill Kristol plans on getting rich with his latest invention: Color Radio.
Comment by mario —
December 30, 2007 @ 2:00 pm
whoa.
Bruce Willis was dead?
Comment by B. Kristol —
December 30, 2007 @ 2:03 pm
what Mario said.
Comment by Jon H —
December 30, 2007 @ 8:46 pm
Bill Kristol is still trying to figure out who the title character is in Predator.
Comment by Jon H —
December 30, 2007 @ 8:48 pm
Bill Kristol is so dumb, when he’s on his own show on Fox he needs a phone-a-friend as back up – and he uses Douglas Feith.
Comment by Jon H —
December 30, 2007 @ 8:50 pm
Bill Kristol is so dumb, he think army men are 3 inches tall and made of plastic.
Comment by Jon H —
December 30, 2007 @ 8:56 pm
Bill Kristol sleeps at night in a temperature-controlled argon enviroment, because he’s the NIST standard for obtuseness.
Comment by Nina Katarina —
December 31, 2007 @ 9:58 am
You think Bill Kristol can divide be 0? He has trouble dividing by 1!
Comment by James Macdonald —
December 31, 2007 @ 9:01 pm
Bill Kristol is such a blockhead that if there were a contest for the World’s Biggest Blockhead he’d come in second because he’s such a blockhead.
Comment by borehole —
January 1, 2008 @ 9:40 am
Bill Kristol once shot a man just to watch him live.
Comment by JohnnyWeird —
January 2, 2008 @ 11:36 am
With the help of GPS tracking and access to a medical textbook, Bill Kristoll is actually able to find his ass with both hands. The location of his head cannot be far behind.