In case of rapture, your bank account data is safe with us!
By Thoreau
Surely we’ve all faced this scenario when making plans for our future and the safety of our loved ones: What if we are summoned to heaven by God while our loved ones are left behind to face the armies of the Antichrist as they spread out across the earth? Now, registered Republicans are fairly safe in this scenario, because they’ll either be raptured or else they’ll earn a good living as KBR contractors providing supplies to the Antichrist’s armies. But for the rest of us, this is a real fear that we face.
Fortunately, some good Christians have the perfect solution: A website that will let you store information to be emailed to your loved ones in the event of the rapture. The website will only send the information to your loved ones if the site proprietors fail to log in for 6 days. You can use your data storage on their site to store all sorts of information that might save their souls, including entreaties to accept Jesus. Or you can store more practical info there:
“In the encrypted portion of your account you can give them access to your banking, brokerage, hidden valuables, and powers of attorneys,” the site says. “There won’t be any bodies, so probate court will take seven years to clear your assets to your next of kin. Seven years, of course, is all the time that will be left. So, basically the Government of the Antichrist gets your stuff, unless you make it available in another way.”
That’s right: Send your banking information to these guys, and if they disappear for 6 days your family will get copies of it. Ah, but what if it’s a scam? Well, then 6 days after they skip town you’ll know about it. I mean, what sort of damage could they possibly inflict on your finances in a mere 6 days?
Besides, you’re paying for this service, so if they screw you then you’ll stop paying. So that should keep them honest. That, and they swear up and down that they’re good Christians. What sort of con man would claim to be a Christian?
Comment by Jon H —
June 5, 2008 @ 12:26 am
Rationally, it’d be better to promote themselves as guaranteed sinners who won’t be raptured, who upon the customer’s rapturing will act as executors and contact their next-of kin.
After all, if the proprietors aren’t there after the rapture, who knows what could happen to their unattended computer systems.
However, for the scam to work, they have to present themselves as ‘good Christians’.
Comment by matthew hogan —
June 5, 2008 @ 9:25 am
“Rationally, it’d be better to promote themselves as guaranteed sinners who won’t be raptured, who upon the customer’s rapturing will act as executors and contact their next-of kin.”
Would that make them shabbes Christians?
Comment by matthew hogan —
June 5, 2008 @ 9:26 am
Correction: shabbes sinners.
Comment by Charles —
June 5, 2008 @ 12:55 pm
I am a Christian. This is nonsense.
Comment by Lynn Gazis-Sax —
June 6, 2008 @ 1:51 am
“There won’t be any bodies, so probate court will take seven years to clear your assets to your next of kin. ”
It seems to me that, if zillions of people all over the world were raptured at once, then, after some period of time rather shorter than seven years, either that law would be altered or some law would be passed making a special case for property left behind in the Rapture.
Comment by Barry —
June 7, 2008 @ 9:30 am
One common assumption of Rapturists is that the Rapture would not be immediately recognized by the remaining people as that.
Comment by Rachel —
June 8, 2008 @ 1:53 pm
If you didn’t pay their monthly fee, guess who has your bank and credit card info. And guess who can find someone to unencrypt (decryptify?) it? And if they claimed they were Christians to get the business, but weren’t, they’d be lying. So, after the Rapture they actually WOULD be left behind to pass on your info (or partake of it).
Comment by John —
June 11, 2008 @ 2:26 pm
So much hype about the rapture – and it isn’t even in the bible. Why don’t you look into the Harvest of the Earth. There isn’t a church out there that even knows what this is – yet this event is clearly written about in the bible as the event when Christ returns to redeem his church. Why do you suppose the churches won’t acknowledge this event? Prove it to yourself at http://6thseal.net