Unqualified Offerings

By Thoreau

It was bad enough when gays ended the heterosexual monopoly on marriage. Now they want to lay claim to an even more cherished institution: Divorce. Let’s face it, folks, divorce has been something that we heterosexuals have always been able to claim as our own, exalting it so highly that some among us have even indulged in it repeatedly: Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump, Newt Gingrich, Elizabeth Taylor, Larry King, a veritable who’s who of divorce among the heterosexual elite. But now gays are seeking access to this status symbol of the heterosexual elite. Why, I can remember when a divorce was so special that a heterosexual couple had to petition their priest for anullments!

And it wasn’t easy in the good old days: If the priest who best knew your situation had been hastily transferred to another parish without leaving a forwarding address, your only recourse was to seek the permission of the new priest. But he didn’t know you, and you knew nothing about him (he’d also been hastily transferred in from another parish) so it was a complicated process. That’s what made it so special! And now these gays want easy access to it as well!