Onion Article That Needs to be Written
The headline would be “Senator Tells How He Fucked His Mistress†and the body text (heh; I said “body text!â€) would consist of him explaining to reporters that “We did [insert sex act'] (heh; I said ‘insert’) on my desk three times last month†etc.
Well I think it would be funny.
Comment by ed —
June 16, 2009 @ 11:46 pm
I’m still waiting for
‘Politically Incorrect’ Sophomore Actually a Racist Asshole
Comment by Jim Henley —
June 17, 2009 @ 7:38 am
Yeah. That would work too.
Comment by dhex —
June 17, 2009 @ 9:01 am
it is still somewhat amazing that politicians and public figures will continually campaign against their own private hobbies. craig v. the gays; spitzer and hookers (and his sudden reversal against wiretapping); that creepy guy from that colorado church whose private life was meth and funboys.
me, personally, i’d campaign against stuff i’m not into. a little bit of misdirection goes a long way.
Comment by mds —
June 17, 2009 @ 9:32 am
I dunno, achieving sufficient power to embrace “rules for thee but not for me” is a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition. Not to mention the delicious wallowing in contempt that can come from using a “crusade” against your own private behavior to dupe the rubes into voting for you. And what’s the worst that can happen? Political disgrace doesn’t automatically cut off the gravy train. Spitzer isn’t destitute. Giuliani has been seriously bandied about as a NY gubernatorial candidate. David Vitter is still in the Senate. And 2012 is still a ways away, so I’m not sure I’d count Ensign out yet, either. All he has to do is ratchet up the tearful remorse, ideally with lotsa Jeebus thrown in, and the relevant base will probably gobble it up. They certainly did when a drunken spoiled wastrel who turned everything he touched to shit started spouting godtalk.
Hmm, perhaps that’s part of why this keeps happening, too. Religious hypocrites like to vote for religious hypocrites, because it makes them feel validated about their own hypocrisy. Being openly more progressive about such things, even from a religiously-motivated standpoint, is more suspect than being a blatantly insincere Bible-clutcher.
Comment by dhex —
June 17, 2009 @ 9:44 am
but keeping it would seem more interesting to me, all told, rather than engaging in obvious affairs that can clearly never be covered up.
but perhaps i discount the humanity of our loudest, most annoying and most destructive americans, instead presuming their foibles and frailty are subsumed in their quest to dominate their fellow man. perhaps i am indeed falling into the same trap as a progressive surveying a large business, with the same presumptions of omniscience (or even the barest ‘niscience) that follow.
still, it provides good theatre, if not occasionally joyous celebration. watching spitzer fall was one of the better parts of last year, to be sure.
Comment by doubled —
June 17, 2009 @ 3:00 pm
Mds said : …And 2012 is still a ways away, so I’m not sure I’d count Ensign out yet, either.
Not a chance, after all , he is a republican hypocrite , not a democrat hypocrite. Remember the tale of Jack Ryan, ran against The O! in an Illinois senate race, who had to drop out when it was revealed (from sealed divorce proceedings) that he wanted to have sex WITH HIS OWN WIFE (yeah, ok , it was in a sex club, but is that illegal?).
How many democrats who paint republicans/conservatives as evil, greedy anti-poor assholes, have to resign when it shown that they have thousands in graft proceeds stashed their freezer (could have paid for countless meals on wheels, or private insurance for the uninsured), or are caught giving government contracts meant for minorities,given instead to cronies of the mayor’s office (hint: not minorities)?
Hypocrisy indeed is what our leaders do best, but who on this site would try to alleviate the problem by taking away from our ‘elite betters’ (of both parties, not just the ‘evil’ other side) the seemingly always increasing reach of their power? That just isn’t in the leftist playbook, which loves a ’strong’ leader who can act unconstitutionally, as long as they are of the correct ‘ideology’.
Comment by mds —
June 17, 2009 @ 4:25 pm
Right, that was my point, that David Vitter is still in the Senate, while Spitzer was forced to resign as governor. Likewise, William Jefferson got tossed out of Congress by fed-up voters. Stormy Daniels notwithstanding, what are the odds that Vitter gets voted out for his repeated penchant for prostitutes? In light of this sort of thing, I agree that it took a lot of gall for Illinois Republicans to force a reasonable fellow like Jack Ryan out of the race because he sullied their fake “family values” piety.
…Hang on, those weren’t your points at all, were they? Never mind.
[Flips through index in bewilderment]
Hey, doubled, could you post your copy of the leftist playbook to Scribd, or something? Mine is apparently missing a few pages.
And come to think of it, who are the leftists of whom you speak? Because actual leftists of any stripe are not exactly on the political ascendancy right now. And barring certain left-libertarian sympathies, the blog proprietors don’t seem to fit the bill. In fact, an awful lot of the folks around here are enthusiasts for taking away from our ‘elite betters’ the seemingly always increasing reach of their power. How did you find this place, anyway? Via the “Charles Johnson is a Deviationist” Club?
Comment by Mrs. O —
June 17, 2009 @ 6:02 pm
As the resident pedant, I ‘d like to point out that Jack Ryan’s creepiness and villainy came not from wanting to have sex with his wife in a sex club, but that SHE did not want to have sex in said club. Plus the fact that he was running as Mr GOP-family-values-Catholic-Guy. As you say, a tad hypocritical.
Comment by dhex —
June 17, 2009 @ 7:16 pm
remove the sports bar from thine eye, doubled, and rejoice.
Comment by ajay —
June 18, 2009 @ 11:05 am
it is still somewhat amazing that politicians and public figures will continually campaign against their own private hobbies.
I would love this to be universally the case.
“Congressman Bernie Sanders has personally invaded Iraq on three separate occasions in the last fifteen years, but he has always managed to hush it up. On the most recent occasion, in early 1998, he was accompanied by film-maker Michael Moore; the pair advanced as far north as Karbala, destroying at least eight Iraqi T-62 tanks, before being forced to retreat by an unseasonal sandstorm.”
“Newt Gingrich runs a discreet clinic in his garage where he provides free health care to low-paid workers in the Washington area.”
Comment by joe from Lowell —
June 18, 2009 @ 5:33 pm
Only a partisan allows actual facts to interfere with a good “both sides are just the same and the left is worse” rant.
Comment by dhex —
June 19, 2009 @ 8:59 am
that would indeed be neat, though invasions are more of a sideline career than a hobby.
Comment by bryan —
June 19, 2009 @ 8:13 pm
Republican Senator explains how he molested your son.
——————————
Republican Senator Tom Severin of Nebraska today gave an impromptu news conference in your living room today to explain how he molested your 8 year old son, Mikey.
The response was generally good, and the conference seems to have been successful despite some negative and, at times, hostile reactions from the audience consisting of you, your wife, your daughter Susan who kept saying ‘eww, that is so gross’, and of course your son Mikey who spent most of the conference dandling innocently on Senator Severin’s knees.