Lift Every Voice
I entered the Post’s opinion-columnist contest. I hope I win! If I don’t, though, I think it’s only fair to let Loyal Readers see my 400-word entry, which was inspired by publius (and behind him Mister Newlywed, Eric Martin) at Obsidian Wings:
There’s been much discussion lately about whether to pursue a counterinsurgency (COIN) strategy in Afghanistan, or a more limited counterterrorism strategy. It’s important for the ordinary American to have an understanding of the difference, and to understand why it takes more troops and costs more money to pursue counterinsurgency.
In a counterinsurgency strategy, America hangs around a foreign country for years and years, occasionally killing people who live there, while pretending it’s for their own good. This takes a lot of people because the military, and the civilian parts of the government that control the military, are very specialized. You need people to do the hanging around, people to do the occasional killing of people that live there, and even more people to do the pretending. As you might imagine, pretending to foreigners that killing them is for their own good is hard! Not just anyone can pull that off with a straight face, and you need a lot of people who can. Remember how upset people got at those town halls over the summer? That was for "death panels" that didn’t even exist. Now imagine that you actually are occasionally killing people’s neighbors! Basically, you have to hold an awful lot of town halls.
In a counterterrorism strategy, America hangs around a foreign country for years and years, occasionally killing people who live there, but doesn’t bother to pretend it’s for the sake of the foreigners themselves. So you need people for hanging around and occasionally killing people, but you don’t need nearly as many people "in theater" for pretending. You need a few to pretend that you know so much about the foreign country that all the people you occasionally kill had it coming. But that’s it.
Under counterterrorism, most of the pretending happens right here at home, and consists of pretending that your counterterrorism strategy is awesome! Also that having to engage in counterterrorism for years on end is perfectly ordinary and isn’t a sign that something went really wrong back there somewhere.
Here’s the thing, though. Even under a counterinsurgency strategy, you have to do at least as much pretending at home. (The counterinsurgency strategy is awesome! etc.) So the pretending at home part of counterterrorism doesn’t constitute what policy experts call an "incremental impact." And we have plenty of people to do it anyway, including politicians and major newspapers.
Which strategy should America pursue in Afghanistan? Unfortunately I’m out of
The other section is where you describe yourself:
I am so white I have to wear sunblock to catch fireflies. I’m also a straight middle-aged, cis-gendered male, so I won’t make the other columnists nervous, there in the Columnists’ Lounge. My dogs can do five puppy-pushups with a food lure, or three with hand cues. I can just about convince myself to bother turning in the 13 columns in exchange for the $2600 you’re offering, though not, at that price, revising them much. And you owe me for all those late Herblock cartoons. It’s NOT okay to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests.
Call me crazy. I think I got a shot.
Comment by Thoreau —
September 29, 2009 @ 10:40 pm
Sorry, Jim, but I’m rooting for the URKOBOLD to win this contest.
Comment by Mike Kozlowski —
September 29, 2009 @ 10:42 pm
Do you have a photo of yourself wearing a bowtie? Because that could pretty much seal the deal.
Comment by bill —
September 30, 2009 @ 12:48 am
Cis-gendered. I had to look it up.
Comment by Joshua Holmes —
September 30, 2009 @ 12:49 am
Bullshit column that dives into the correct way to parse the Empire’s murderous strategery as opposed to scrapping the whole project.
I think you’ve got a shot, Jim, especially if you keep writing useless bullshit.
Comment by Andy —
September 30, 2009 @ 12:58 am
Basically, you have to hold an awful lot of town halls.
Nice! Lazlo Toth would be proud.
Comment by Barry —
September 30, 2009 @ 6:20 am
Jim, you didn’t express near-fainting horror at the prospect of a man who once ‘vigorously seduced’ a (much) younger woman being possibly forced to face a judge. And you didn’t equate it to torture, either – while simultaneously denying and defending torture by the US government.
So no Apple(baum) for you, I’m afraid.
Comment by Barry —
September 30, 2009 @ 6:24 am
Also, you didn’t really express a, um, ‘lower down thrill’ at the idea of
butchering foreignersdemonstrating the power of our weaponryassisting in the cause of freedom, so you are in trouble there.Comment by Tex MacRae —
September 30, 2009 @ 8:21 am
I can’t decide between yours and IOZ’s, they’re both that good.
Comment by Joe Strummer —
September 30, 2009 @ 9:14 am
I like your bio, but I also like mine:
Joe Strummer is libertarian apostate. For ten years he watched as a once vital movement was reduced to a series of cultural gestures. A commitment to individual liberty has become a slogan obscuring an agenda that puts corporations above families, communities, and entrepreneurship. He writes on education – “Voucherize This: School Choice Programs are Shit” – health care – “Going France: National Health Care is Good for You, Me, and Detroit” – the media – “ Blogospheria: Breitbart FTW” – and criminal justice – “Three Strikes and We’re All Out”
Comment by Uncle Kvetch —
September 30, 2009 @ 10:12 am
Well, I was hoping for a “Why the next six months will be the crucial watershed make-or-break do-or-die it’s-now-or-never moment in Afghanistan” column, but I guess this will have to do.
In all seriousness, that was magnificent.
Comment by Eric Martin —
September 30, 2009 @ 11:38 am
truly a thing of beauty.
Comment by abb1 —
September 30, 2009 @ 12:27 pm
This seems relevant somehow: Box of leaflets dropped from RAF plane kills Afghan girl.
Comment by Jennifer —
September 30, 2009 @ 12:45 pm
I plagiarized my entry from a well-known blogger. That, combined with my being an attractive redheaded female, GUARANTEES me a job with the Washington Post.
No, wait. That’s how to become a columnist for the New York Times. Damn.
Comment by Nick Novitski —
September 30, 2009 @ 1:27 pm
Masterfully done, sir.
Comment by Mr. Pathetic —
September 30, 2009 @ 7:38 pm
So upon reading the words ‘attractive redheaded female’, I reflexively clicked Jennifer’s link. Then I read a two-page story about shampoo, and found it quite interesting. And I’m completely bald.
This may be a new low.
Comment by The Medium Lobster —
September 30, 2009 @ 10:40 pm
You’re still our hero, Henley.
Comment by Barry —
October 1, 2009 @ 9:07 am
Jennifer: “That, combined with my being an attractive redheaded female, GUARANTEES me a job with the Washington Post.”
There’s always the Atlantic Monthly, although you might need to get an MBA first – and then fail miserably in business despite having an MBA from one of the top programs in the world.
Comment by TB —
October 1, 2009 @ 10:46 am
Barry: “There’s always the Atlantic Monthly, although you might need to get an MBA first – and then fail miserably in business despite having an MBA from one of the top programs in the world.”
Seems like you’re describing how to become president, not a columnist.
Comment by Doug T —
October 1, 2009 @ 12:29 pm
Hey, Jim, Ezra Klein liked your entry so mcuh he endorsed you for the column. Unfortunately, he described you as a “conservative foreign policy wonk,” with predictable consequences in the comments thread. One reply even (presumably without bothering to click through and read your entry) a “hack for the military industrial complex.”
http://voices.washingtonpost.com/ezra-klein/2009/10/i_endorse.html
Pingback by For the Good of the People « American Footprints —
October 1, 2009 @ 1:53 pm
[...] also, conservative foreign policy wonk, Jim Henley) Share and [...]
Comment by mds —
October 1, 2009 @ 3:48 pm
I would probably prefer a President McArdle to, e.g., a President Huckabee or Palin. But I’d still use more than one bullet for my Russian roulette.
Comment by Jennifer —
October 2, 2009 @ 2:43 pm
I’d completely forgot about the comment I posted here, until I wondered “WHY is my blog getting so many dozens of hits from Jim Henley’s bl … oh. Right. The ‘redheaded female’ thing.”
But this is good, because now I know how to drive up my own blog traffic when necessary! I’ll start a file of all-purpose comments I can cut-and-paste here when necessary, such as:
“What a thoughtful and insightful post about an important political or social issue, Jim! I confess I haven’t been reading your blog lately as often as I should, because over at my own blog I have been too busy exploring my sexuality. You wouldn’t BELIEVE some of the stuff I’ve been finding! Thank goodness I had the foresight to take and post full-color photographs of my voyage of self-discovery.”
Comment by Nell —
October 3, 2009 @ 3:07 pm
I’ve been a fan for years, but now I’m even more impressed: Jim entered a piece that both displays his talent and dooms his chances to win.
Reminiscent of BoRev’s entry in the Post’s annual Easter Peeps diorama contest…
Comment by Nell —
October 3, 2009 @ 3:29 pm
The comments on this post are even better than usual. Also.
Pingback by Weekend link dump for October 4 – Off the Kuff —
October 4, 2009 @ 4:37 pm
[...] with Ezra. Jim Henley would be an awesome addition to the WaPo editorial [...]