The airlines compete with the TSA for the travel fail prize
By Thoreau
Lest this become an all-Burlington-Coat-Factory-recreation-center-all-the-time blog, let me take up another important topic: Air travel. Recall that the airlines recently instituted fees for checked luggage, reasoning that in the middle of an economic downturn you can get more customers by charging them more. This had the utterly predictable result of causing more people to carry their luggage on and store it in the overhead bins. That, in turn, had the utterly predictable result of clogging the overhead bins.
The airlines are now charging for early boarding, so you can get first crack at the overhead bins. I would like to suggest a few additions to the pricing scheme:
1) All of those people who don’t board early, and have to hunt around for the remaining overhead space, are really slowing things down and causing hassle. Disincentivize this by charging extra for boarding after the early boarding.
2) Have you ever been on a plane where the captain says that the weight is unbalanced and some people will have to move to different seats? An even weight distribution is important, and people who don’t bring any luggage at all may be upsetting the balance. I therefore propose a fee for people who don’t bring luggage.
3) Look at all the unused space in the aisle! If you have an aisle seat, and you don’t want somebody standing next to you holding onto a handlebar like subway riders, you should pay a fee for sitting next to an uncluttered aisle.
4) Pressurizing the cabin? Srsly? God put a certain amount of air up there, and that should be good enough for you. If you are one of those namby-pamby libruls who needs extra air, you should have to pay for your own oxygen tank. The good people in Real America breathe the air that God put there. And even in Fake America, places like Los Angeles, we’re fine with breathing sub-optimal air! What’s your problem?
5) Those restrooms get cleaned every once in a while, and somebody has to be paid to do it. What kind of free-loader are you, using the airplane restroom for free? You should pay for that.
6) Seat belts are part of a liberal crusade by Ralph Nader. I say get rid of them, and those who need seat belts as reassurance can pay extra. Or they can also buy a teddy bear and pacifier. Whatever makes them feel better.
7) I’m fine with allowing cell phones on planes, but you should have to pay extra for that. In fact, you should have to pay extra to talk to ANYBODY. Even the people you’re traveling with. Silence may be golden, but so is talk.
8) If you pay taxes, you’re just paying for the subsidies that keep the airlines so inefficient. You should be penalized for that. I say taxes on taxes, payable to the airlines.
9) If your flight lands safely without being hijacked, you should pay an extra fee for the safe service provided.
10) If your flight is hijacked and crashed into a building, you should pay a fine because you failed to fight back and stop the hijackers. Inaction has a price, you know.
Together, we can build a stronger airline industry. Enjoy your flight!
Comment by joe from Lowell —
August 19, 2010 @ 12:26 pm
Wouldn’t it be awesome if we didn’t spend most of the last forty years governed by oil men with a passionate commitment to oppose the development of a decent system of interstate rail?
Nobody gives a crap what you bring onto a train.
Comment by Mo —
August 19, 2010 @ 12:35 pm
You do know European discount airlines are even worse than ours. Ryan Air is going to charge for bathroom usage and is trying to figure out how to get standing room only spots. Also, Madrid to Munich is a little bit shorter than LA to Chicago. Taking the train that distance requires 23.5 hours and 2 connections. Most air travel in the US is beyond rail distances. Rail would replace driving, not flying.
Comment by Hugh Akston —
August 19, 2010 @ 12:36 pm
joe, your constant fantasizing about Atlas Shrugged has got to stop.
Also 11) The jetway that allows you to walk from the plane to the concourse is expensive to operate and maintain. If you don’t wanna pay, you can just jump.
Comment by kishnevi —
August 19, 2010 @ 8:13 pm
12) stewards/stewardesses cost money. You’ll need to pay extra for that.
13) it’s not easy finding pretty stewardesses and handsome stewards. You’ll need to pay extra for that, or take our special “ugly crew” flights, for which of course we will need to charge extra
14)flight crew cost even more money. We have a sliding scale for flights with or without a co-pilot, and for pilots based on their experience, with a special surcharge for pilots with military experience and a special extra surcharge to fly with the guy that landed his plane on the Hudson
15)jet fuel also costs money. There’s a fee to make sure we don’t run out of fuel five thousand feet up in the air.
16) takeoffs make for extra stress to our aircraft and to all our crews, therefore we must assess a special fee for safe takeoffs. For flights which run off the runway but in which no fatalities occur, a special one time charge will be made to all uninjured passengers. For those instances when fatalities occur, a special one time surcharge will be made to all surviving passengers.
17)ditto for landings.
Comment by somethingblue —
August 19, 2010 @ 9:07 pm
18) If your flight is hijacked and you fight back and stop the hijackers you will be assessed a Hijacking Resistance Fee to cover cleanup costs and any damage to the cabin.
Comment by somethingblue —
August 19, 2010 @ 9:09 pm
19) An additional $23 fee, just because.
Comment by Mojo —
August 19, 2010 @ 9:41 pm
Processing all those fees doesn’t come cheap. There’s extra time spent by reservation and ticket counter personnel, extra work for the flight attendants to make sure nobody cheats by breathing the oxygen-rich exhalations of a neighbor who paid the air fee, constant reprogramming of software to keep up with new fees, and the cost of restraining passengers who snap after one too many fees. Obviously those costs justify a fee fee.
Comment by lunchstealer —
August 20, 2010 @ 1:11 am
Wouldn’t it be awesome if we didn’t spend most of the last forty years governed by oil men with a passionate commitment to oppose the development of a decent system of interstate rail?
Nobody gives a crap what you bring onto a train.
Cool. Can we also have Europe’s freight system as well?